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Sony, Microsoft and Nintendo have already given their press conferences at E3 (Electronic Entertainment Expo) this year, and, as any self-respecting gamer should do, I’m going to reflect on all three of them.


Microsoft was the first to take the stage, early Monday morning. Well, early in California; I had time to hit the snooze button seven times, roll out of bed, make some coffee, browse the internet and leisurely mosey over to the IGN streaming site before noon hit, Eastern time.

Microsoft started out with an epic, ten minute demo of Modern Warfare 3 running on the Xbox 360 console (not without “proving” that it was in game due to a controller connection interruption). It showed some pretty cool cinematic, though it did seem that the game was reusing quite a few assets used in Modern Warfare 2. Regardless, the game is sure to be the same, action packed romp that it always is.

Then came the new Tomb Raider reboot, which had the new, less-but-also-somehow-more sexually attractive Laura Croft getting stabbed, beaten, bruised, punched, and battered all to hell as she made her way out of what looked like a sacrificial cave. It looked quite exciting, and this will be the first Tomb Raider game that I’m actually looking forward to, let alone feel excited for.

Cliff Bleszinski, later, came on stage, and, together with the help of Ice-T, beat a enthralling single player mission on Gears of War 3, taking place on a ship that was actively being eaten by a giant squid-octopus hybrid thing. Looks to be pretty fun and over the top, as is expected out of Gears of War games.

Then Microsoft started shoving Kinect shit games down our throats. 85% of the entire press conference was glitchy, buggy, boring and unintuitive Kinect games that didn’t interest me in the slightest. Come on, Microsoft, Kinect doesn’t work; quit trying to sell it like it does.

Of course, they also announced the Halo 1 remake, which is a completely remade and high-definition of the original game, single player and all. It will have online co-op and online multiplayer with the original maps and some new, updated ones. I didn’t get super excited about that, but hey, Halo is fun, and fun is good.

At the very end of the conference, Microsoft showed us a Halo 4 trailer that left of right where Halo 3 did; with Master Chief floating away in a space ship. It looks like it could be cool, but I worry about the series without Bungie behind the helm.

Overall, Microsoft showed off some cool, multiplatform games that were interesting, but the majority of the gamers were flat, cardboard Kinect games, and that just doesn’t interest me.

Grade: C-


Sony started off with something they really needed to do: an apology. And while that was a nice enough gesture, they didn’t really phrase it in a way that made much sense. Instead of “Hey, look, we’re sorry about everything”, the phrasing made it seem like “We’re sorry you couldn’t enjoy everything that we know you love and is awesome on the PSN”, which is sorta the same, but it comes off like an advertisement more than an apology.

Then we got to the real stuff. Uncharted 3, duh, looks awesome. And by awesome, I mean FUUUUUUUU insane. This is a series that gets worlds better every iteration, and considering the first one was a very good game, that speaks wonders about the quality of the stuff Naughty Dog puts out.

Resistance 3… is another Resistance, which is to say, “yawn”.

Then Sony went into something that I hold very dear to my heart; HD remakes of older games. I’m oh-so pumped for the Shadow of the Colossus and ICO remakes, but ovbiously I’m going to buy the Metal Gear Solid remakes as well.

The press conference was littered with games that supported the Move controller. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, the Move shows so much more promise than Kinect, but so far, I still haven’t seen anything that makes it a must own peripheral (which is why I don’t have one), and E3 didn’t do much to rectify that. Try again, Sony.

The new Sly Cooper game looks very nice. Having never played his games before, I’m tempted to go back and explore the older games to get ready for the new one.

But easily the biggest surprise of all of E3 (surprise, and nothing more) was the Playstation Vita. Weird, new age-y name aside, Sony showed quite a bit of games running on the console, all of which looked like console ports. I guess that’s not a bad thing, but at some point, you have to ask yourself “Wouldn’t I rather be playing this on my actual PS3 and my HDTV?” I think that is the main problem that the Vita is going to come across, but I digress, that is not the exciting news I was referring to. No, the biggest surprise out of E3 2011 was that the PS Vita would retail in America for 250$. 250$!!! People had been guestimating at over 300$ and into the 400$ range, and for Sony to pull a “Yeah, we’re the same price as Nintendo” just blew me away. I’m still having problems believing it. Nintendo has got some work cut out for them.

Overall, Sony was interesting, if not terribly exciting. The PS Vita was easily the best part of the show, but still, it just wasn’t all that fun.

Grade: B-


Nintendo started off their press conference with a real orchestra playing Zelda music at Miyamoto’s request. I mean really, how can anything top that? They can’t… they just can’t.

After some quick footage of Skyward sword and some announcements about more Zelda games coming to the Wii, 3DS and DSi, Nintendo moved right onto their newest console, the Wii U. And this is where things started moving downhill.

They announced the name. Then they showed us a controller with a screen. Then, as the audience scratched their heads, they started showing games using this new controller. There was no announcement of a new console, no pictures of any sort of new hardware. It was just this controller. No one could figure out what exactly it was. Was it an extension of the Wii? Was it a portal gaming console that connected with the Wii? It wasn’t until minutes passed that it finally clicked for a lot of people: There was a new console, but Nintendo wanted to focus on the controller as the new expereince. Well, cool, Nintendo, except you confused everyone watching and I’m sure there are still some people confused as to what the crap was going on.

So yeah. Wii 2. HD graphics. About as powerful as the current generation (2006 technology. Woo) with another gimmicky controller that no one will take full advantage of. Sure sounds like Nintendo!

Then they moved onto 3DS stuff, and as a game deprived 3DS owner, was a good change of pace. The showed us some gameplay of the new Mario game, the new Mario Kart, the remake of Star Fox 64 and some Ocarina of Time 3D footage. The coolest surprise was the return of Luigi’s Mansion, and boy did it look nice! That’s easily become my most anticipated 3DS game (aside from Ocarina, which comes out soon!).

And… that’s about it for Nintendo. Their 3DS showing was all nice and dandy, but I just had a problem with the way they presented the Wii U (WEEEEUUUUU). But still, they put on a much better show than Sony and Microsoft.

Grade: B


Do you find it weird that I’ve been talking about things other than video games? Maybe you’re confused because you came to this little speck on the buttocks of the internet to read about games, but you haven’t heard a thing about video games?

Let’s change that!

Disclaimer: if you hate games, just go ahead and skip this particular post 😉

I got to play some Darksiders this past weekend, the newest game that I’ve been able to get a hold of. As the great Yahtzee of Zero Punctuation said, “THIS IS NOT GOD OF WAR IT’S SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT” (with 100% sarcasm), this game is a God of War clone. It’s also a Zelda clone, a Portal clone and… as a matter of fact, it copies about 1/3 of every popular game on the market. It feels like the developer thought that combining great aspects of well made games and mashed them into a big, giant pile of a horrid story, you’d get something semi-decent; and they were right. The game is semi-decent. The combat is fast and, eventually, varied. The enemies are certainly pretty cool, as are the ways they die. But that’s about all I can say that’s any sort of good about Darksiders. The story is an incomprehensible slur of words that just happened to find themselves in the vicinity of a piece of paper that someone had shredded and thrown into a furnace. Basically, if you don’t “get” analogies, it means the story is terrible. It fumbles around, trying to find its feet and, within twenty-five seconds, we realize that it’s worthless and isn’t going anywhere.

Speaking of not going anywhere, neither can the combat find its way out of an empty room and into the world of “good gameplay”. For the longest time, I found myself mashing the “X” button just to get an attack on a enemy; it seems when they were copying and pasting the code straight out of God of War, they forgot that God of War also has two OTHER buttons to attack with so you don’t find yourself pounding your head against one button and trying to take out the 13,059 enemies coming towards you. Not that the enemies can do any harm to you, because it seems no matter how hard you try, they always end up… just not killing you. You start out with over three health bars, which is laughable considering a single attack from an enemy does such a minuscule amount of damage it would take years for your character to even blink an eye. But, of course, when you jump on a flying griffin… thing, and decide to fly around, the enemies take a “super man” pill and they can suddenly kill you in three hits. Talk about “crying out for consistency”. Choose one or the other bad idea, not both

I could go on and on about this game, but let me sum it up: it’s not bad, but everything it tried to do is broken and everything they copied has problems. Broken game, yes. Fun game, “ehh”.

But of course, to counteract the taste that Darksiders left in my mouth, I’ve been playing Modern Warfare 2 like mad.

Let’s get something strait: sleep is the most important part of my day, every day. I cherish sleep like every second I slept, I was awarded a million dollars by the president himself. So when I tell you that I sacrifice an hour of my sleep just to get up at 6am to play a little more Modern Warfare 2, I want you to know how I really feel about this game.

And I could go on and on about how great it is, but chances are, you fall under two categories: One, you already know how brilliant the game is and you play it every day, or Two, you aren’t in the slightest interested.  I’ll leave it at that.

As soon as I’m off here, I’m back to Modern Warfare 2. Oh yeah, I’m also going to mod my Xbox. Correction, I’m going to get another Xbox and mod that one. Awesome-opossum.


Update: Coming tomorrow, “does Jesus hate shrubbery?”

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June 2018
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