Do you find it weird that I’ve been talking about things other than video games? Maybe you’re confused because you came to this little speck on the buttocks of the internet to read about games, but you haven’t heard a thing about video games?

Let’s change that!

Disclaimer: if you hate games, just go ahead and skip this particular post 😉

I got to play some Darksiders this past weekend, the newest game that I’ve been able to get a hold of. As the great Yahtzee of Zero Punctuation said, “THIS IS NOT GOD OF WAR IT’S SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT” (with 100% sarcasm), this game is a God of War clone. It’s also a Zelda clone, a Portal clone and… as a matter of fact, it copies about 1/3 of every popular game on the market. It feels like the developer thought that combining great aspects of well made games and mashed them into a big, giant pile of a horrid story, you’d get something semi-decent; and they were right. The game is semi-decent. The combat is fast and, eventually, varied. The enemies are certainly pretty cool, as are the ways they die. But that’s about all I can say that’s any sort of good about Darksiders. The story is an incomprehensible slur of words that just happened to find themselves in the vicinity of a piece of paper that someone had shredded and thrown into a furnace. Basically, if you don’t “get” analogies, it means the story is terrible. It fumbles around, trying to find its feet and, within twenty-five seconds, we realize that it’s worthless and isn’t going anywhere.

Speaking of not going anywhere, neither can the combat find its way out of an empty room and into the world of “good gameplay”. For the longest time, I found myself mashing the “X” button just to get an attack on a enemy; it seems when they were copying and pasting the code straight out of God of War, they forgot that God of War also has two OTHER buttons to attack with so you don’t find yourself pounding your head against one button and trying to take out the 13,059 enemies coming towards you. Not that the enemies can do any harm to you, because it seems no matter how hard you try, they always end up… just not killing you. You start out with over three health bars, which is laughable considering a single attack from an enemy does such a minuscule amount of damage it would take years for your character to even blink an eye. But, of course, when you jump on a flying griffin… thing, and decide to fly around, the enemies take a “super man” pill and they can suddenly kill you in three hits. Talk about “crying out for consistency”. Choose one or the other bad idea, not both

I could go on and on about this game, but let me sum it up: it’s not bad, but everything it tried to do is broken and everything they copied has problems. Broken game, yes. Fun game, “ehh”.

But of course, to counteract the taste that Darksiders left in my mouth, I’ve been playing Modern Warfare 2 like mad.

Let’s get something strait: sleep is the most important part of my day, every day. I cherish sleep like every second I slept, I was awarded a million dollars by the president himself. So when I tell you that I sacrifice an hour of my sleep just to get up at 6am to play a little more Modern Warfare 2, I want you to know how I really feel about this game.

And I could go on and on about how great it is, but chances are, you fall under two categories: One, you already know how brilliant the game is and you play it every day, or Two, you aren’t in the slightest interested.  I’ll leave it at that.

As soon as I’m off here, I’m back to Modern Warfare 2. Oh yeah, I’m also going to mod my Xbox. Correction, I’m going to get another Xbox and mod that one. Awesome-opossum.


Update: Coming tomorrow, “does Jesus hate shrubbery?”